As always, I hope this letter finds you happy, healthy, ...and feeling loved :)
"I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
And every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-CHANGES....you weren't kidding, David Bowie. As I peer out the window at the fresh layer of leaves on the ground, I am reminded of the absolute certainty of change. Of life and death. And of rebirth. The highs and lows of life...and of the hard work that it takes to navigate through it all. To fall, to break, to heal, and to rise again. It's not easy but I truly believe that hard work pays off. And I believe that there is a certain magic in rediscovering the sun....over and over again.
I am particularly aware of the healing process at the moment, as we recently helped our 11 month old puppy to cross the rainbow bridge.
Many of you have followed our story, and know of the challenges that Yogi had....his extreme fears, his behavioral issues, his health issues. We worked on building his confidence and trust. We trained him, ourselves, and others to create a safe environment for us all to live in. We worked hard to eliminate known allergens from his life....and to strengthen his weak immune system. The poor guy was allergic to the freaking WORLD. And in the last few weeks before his passing, he began having seizures and exhibiting clear signs of brain malfunction. My days (and nights) were spent focused on helping to heal my sweet guy ....researching and observing and making changes and trying different things to ease his discomfort. He was my special needs boy and I was determined to 'fix' him so that he could live a happy and healthy and long life with us. I was willing to sacrifice my work, my health, my sleep, and my sanity for his well being. And I did. For four months, I gave everything that I had. But no matter how much I tried to love him into a healthy dog, it wasn't meant to be. We were told that his brain would never be 'normal' and that he would essentially be a patient (and science experiment) for his remaining days. Ultimately, I had to make the hardest decision of my life and to let him go.
And I am still coming to terms with that.
What I am learning from this experience is not so much about grief and working through the waves of sorrow. Of course I miss Yogi. Of course I mourn the loss of what I had hoped his life would be. But what has taken me hostage are the overwhelming feelings of GUILT. In my mind, I have wrestled with the most excruciating thoughts - "Did we do enough?", "Did we give up too soon?", "Why did we remove him from his environment and subject him to the scary new surroundings?", "What kind of person murders an 11 month old puppy...WHO DOES THAT?????" Yea, I went there. My mind was tortured. No matter how much I did to help him, I felt that I surely could have done more. No matter how much I loved him, I felt that I had played a huge role in his stress and discomfort. No matter how many people reassured me that we did the right thing, I questioned our decision to free him. No matter how many people told me that he was lucky to have received the love that I showered him with, I felt in my heart that I would never be able to forgive myself for his short and difficult life. I pulled cards and I sought reassurance from friends who sat in the trenches with me from the day we brought Yogi home. I meditated and had some intense conversations with God and my Spirit 'team'. Yet, I kept replaying the guilty thoughts like a broken record. It was not a comfortable place to be and I knew that the answer was to forgive myself. But I couldn't seem to find a way off this unhealthy carousel. So I did what I do. I asked Spirit for help ....and then I Googled. I began researching guilt associated with euthanasia. I was led to the articles that I needed to read. The ones that validated what I was feeling. But also the ones that reminded me that carrying this burden was not going to do anything except cripple me and keep me from moving forward. It would be impossible for me to heal if I did not release the guilt. And how can help others if I can't heal myself? Crap. Here we go again. Another exercise in self love.
Now I consider myself to be a pretty strong Soul. I am a fighter, a warrior (and a worrier....but that's a subject for a whole other ramble)...and I can usually tap into my Divine power within to get through tough times. But I am also humble enough to know that sometimes I need assistance. I knew that it would likely take a very long time (if ever) to find forgiveness for myself at the rate I was going. So, I turned to Spirit and I asked for help again. This time I called on God, the archangels, ascended masters, my guides, my loved ones...even Yogi. I asked for them to help me to release any emotions, thoughts, and feelings that were no longer serving me. I asked them to take all of that from my head and my heart and to send that low level energy off to some heavenly laundromat for some deep cleaning.
And they did. Or maybe I did. Who knows for sure? But I like to give Spirit credit because I'm fairly certain it wasn't me.
Within hours, I felt some of the heaviness in my heart lifted. My old thoughts were replaced with a more accurate picture of what really took place. I was able to see things from my Soul's perspective....to remember that Yogi was not a victim, and neither was I. We merely met in this lifetime to give each other this experience so that we might grow as Souls. I was able to feel sad and to miss him....but to accept, without guilt, that I did not miss the struggle. I did not miss the constant stress....his or mine. I did not miss knowing his pain and frustrations. I did not miss the worrying and the feelings of helplessness. I was able to finally see that we did release him from a body that was not serving him at all. And to see that he was truly not meant to be here in the physical world any longer than he was here. It wasn't meant for me to 'fix' him.
Not long ago, I found myself watching Brene Brown on Netflix. It is supposedly one of the most viewed Ted Talks of all time. I don't remember what the subject was but there was one thing that really stuck with me. She talked about "the stories we tell ourselves". When life happens, we often create a narrative that becomes that "story we tell ourselves". It becomes our truth....whether the story is 100% accurate or not. And sometimes, those stories can be positive and nourish our sense of well being. But most of the time, especially in times of discomfort, the stories that we tell ourselves are not true. And they can cause us unnecessary pain and suffering. And, as in my case, despair. Fortunately, I didn't stay in that place too long....and I was able to see, fairly quickly, my story from a different and healthier angle. From my Soul's perspective.
Am I totally healed from all of this? Ummmm....no. I've still got work to do. My body is recovering from the stress of the past four months (seven if you count from the day we lost our other boy, Shiloh). My mind still wrestles with the guilt every now and again. But then I remember the real story and I find peace, knowing that Yogi is still with me...and no longer suffering in his beautiful, yet severely flawed, body. I spend time outside walking the trails, reflecting, shedding tears, talking to my favorite trees, and closing my eyes so that I can feel the energy of my tremendous support system. And I feel their unconditional love for me....and mine for them. I know that I do not need to forgive myself when I love myself the way that they love me. That is how I know that I will be okay and that my heart will heal with time.
And when I have the energy, I reach out and connect with friends and family. I do the work that makes my heart sing. I watch shows that make me laugh. I listen to music that lifts my spirits. And I give myself permission to have a happy life.
I do long for the day when our home is filled with fur again. But for now, I will focus on me and getting back to to my joy. I look forward to this next life chapter with curiosity and, honestly... a bit of excitement. It's been quite a year so I'm ready for that amazing sunrise!
So....wherever you are in the book of YOU, I hope that you are telling yourself the most true and honest stories. If you need to forgive yourself, I hope that you can love yourself completely, and that you are able to let the past go, so that you may move forward with a full heart and with hope for a bright future. And if you need some help, don't forget to call on your Spirit team. All you have to do is ask. They're amazing. If I could give them 5 stars on Yelp, I totally would.
Happy Fall and Happy Halloween, ya'll!
Sending love out to all those who need/want it and prayers to those who may be hurting today. May you find peace in your heart and a smile on your face no matter what is happening in your world And if you need a place to go to lift your spirits, I hope you'll stop by sometime :)
Here's what's happening at Light Works this month...
On October, 16th I'll be delivering messages in a gallery style event at "Love & Hugs from Heaven" Mediumship Demonstration with Juli! Come out and receive loving messages from Angels, guides, and loved ones on the other side! This is a great opportunity to witness how Spirit works with me to share messages of healing, guidance, and love. Those in the Spirit world are always around and want to help us to heal, to feel loved & supported as we navigate our way through life in the physical world. A mediumship gallery is a wonderful way to experience this beautiful connection.
Next, I'll be teaching Meditation with Intention...to Connect with Spirit! on September 15th. Want to learn how to connect with Spirit? In this class, you'll learn my method of connecting with the angels, spirit guides, and loved ones...and, yes, anyone can do it :)
Need a quick message from your angels? Then check out this month's special - Mini Angel Card Email Reading for $35! . See below for more info!
And lastly, join us on the 26th for a Sound Bath Meditation with Biansa! Allow Ansa to guide you through a world of sound vibration for a deep cellular experience of alignment that will leave you feeling rested and connected! Enjoy the sounds of singing bowls, chimes, gongs, and much more. A Sound Bath can be an unforgettable sound experience for those who seek deep relaxation, rejuvenation, and an acceleration of their inward journey.
So, these are just a few of the things happening this month at Light Works.
As always, new things are popping up on the Light Works Meetup page . Be sure to join the group to receive announcements. Stay tuned, stay connected, and stay in touch!
Sending lots of healing energy and LOVE to you all...hope to see you soon!
In love & light,
Certified Reiki Master Teacher, Psychic Medium, & Animal Communicator