It appears that something in my life has come to a 20 year cycle end, and is now beginning again, spiraling up, and, as the old lady says in Ponyo, "Everything old is new again!"
I'm still sort of pinching myself, the transition from one state to the next has happened extremely rapidly, and... in retrospect, I sort of wonder if I shouldn't have built in a little more adjustment time. Ah well. So, sort of being vague here, but aside from the fact that I've been thinking about change and when and how it happens, the what in this case isn't all that germane to the discussion.
Sometimes change is something you can work towards, creating a plan, putting milestones in place, and moving the chess pieces forward. Sometimes no matter what you do, there are too many other variables to effect change until the external pieces line up.
A little over a year ago, there was a significant and much needed change in my life that I could not have predicted. The morning of the change, I had a lightbulb flash of realization that someone else's need to tell me something that I already knew was not relevant to my actual capabilities or my competence. In that moment, my heart felt free and it felt like something was released. I was about half way to a drive that was taking me to the place where this unanticipated change was about to happen. And when it happened, it was just a confirmation that I was truly FREE of what had been holding me there.
No one else's perception of my capabilities or my competence has any relevance to my *actual* capability or competence. Especially when their perception is clouded by their own insecurity, fear, and incompetence. I only need to keep doing what my capabilities and competence are capable of, and I don't need to react to their ignorance or clouded judgment (this may continue to periodically be challenging because it's annoying to be underestimated, but nonetheless).
So I was set free, both in my heart and mind, as well as literally uncaged from a situation that was bad for me and that I had been struggling with. Not that this in and of itself didn't come with some significant uncertainty! Because hooo boy did it! But nothing is entirely certain in this world
The next situation I have been facing for just over a year now has been so desperately needed for me to regroup, re/identify myself. What intrinsic value do I bring to the table. Who am I when I'm not trying to shape myself into someone's idea of who I need to be? I mean - I totally didn't entirely escape that because I didn't find myself with no roles in the world, but I have had enough time and space to evaluate those roles as well. Part of what I realized is that the evaluation and re/centering and re/identification of self is something that must be ongoing.
This change has been almost as abrupt and I feel like the breaking point may have been at some point on Tuesday. I was telling someone about how hard it can be not to find our identities in what we do. What I do is not who I am. It's what I do! But there is intrinsic value and worth in me showing up as who I am way beyond anything I do or have. It was that same moment of freedom and something clicked.
It took until Wednesday for the next piece of the puzzle to fall into place, and as this sends out to you, I will be stepping into the new cycle, another level on the spiral.
There are intentional initiations and rites of passage, and then there are the ones that seem to self-define, seemingly out of nowhere, but no less (or more) powerful. And of course, alongside all of this, life continues to roll along casually as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.
And of course, is any discussion on this topic ever complete until this song gets shared? No. No, it is not. And now, having shared it, it's time for me to wrap this newsletter up.
With love and curiosity,