November 8, 2016 | Letter No. 7
Today is the voting day. Vote for president and other stuff. Let's look back on the election, by the numbers: Seventy-six hundred months of campaigning. Nine-thousand bad SNL skits. Zero incriminating emails written by Hillary Clinton. Twenty embarrassing emails attempting to send alternative medicine practitioners to Haiti written by Hillary’s son-in-law, Marc Mezvinsky. One Donald Trump. A taco salad. Forty mainstream media outlets giving Donald Trump the benefit of the doubt. Fifty-five debates. One red sweater worn by Ken Bone. One hundred fifty million pussies in America. One Louis CK calling Hillary a bitch. One Brangelina divorce. One mulatto cock. One vote that you can cast as you please.
I’m gonna miss this election! Nothing to talk about after today except the weather and Westworld. So dark out. So cold. So few women guests having sex with male bots on Westworld.
I believe tomorrow there will be peace. But today there is one last thing I want to talk about. It has been brought to my attention that there are people who don’t vote. I guess people have their reasons. Practical reasons, maybe I can understand. Polling place on top of a mountain and you lost your climbing stick. You’re really really busy organizing your books by color and then you decide that is overdone so then you reorganize them by height and you hate that too and then your books are all a mess and you're sitting amid them in heaps on the ground and then it's too late to vote. Maybe you hate democracy. Well, democracy hates you too. Still not a good enough reason not to vote. You must engage with your haters to understand them.
Practical considerations aside, there are other people who are often extremely vocal about not voting, and these people are usually journalists. Listen, it’s no mystery that journalists are the worst people. Self-congratulatory bone-stroking smarmy shallow idea-humpers with egos more fragile than a Hollywood starlet weaning off barbiturates. There are, like, two good journalists, and neither of them use Twitter. One of them is dead.
Anyway, some journalists are proud of the fact that they don’t vote because this helps them be… “objective.” Haha. Objectivity is the least real thing besides these Yeezys I got off Alibaba that are made out of pinecones. Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward, of Watergate and supporting the Iraq War fame, is a non-voter of note. According to this interview, he used to let his young daughters come into the voting booth and vote for him, which is probably voter fraud? I would like to citizen's arrest Bob Woodward for voter fraud, supporting the Iraq War, and being a big dumb square.
Curiously, another Post reporter, Wesley Lowery, tweeted the other day about how he doesn’t vote. What is it with the Washington Post? What legacy hath the Grahams, the Bradlees, and Sally Quinn wrought? What is this mass delusion occurring in our nation’s capital, in which journalists see themselves as such exceptional soothsayers that they are above mortal civic duties?
Here’s the thing that really goads my gut: You can vote and not talk about it. You can literally do anything and not talk about it. It's a special power all humans have – not talking. This is how people get away with murders – you can surely be a journalist and vote and keep it hush-hush, just like a murderer can commit a murder and get away with it (no murderers I know personally have done this, for the record). You can go to the voting booth, shade the circle for Hillary or Jill fucking Stein, I don’t care, and not be a fucking self-righteous fuck all brave and like “I DON’T VOTE BECAUSE I’M A JOURNALIST” to your 40,000 pornbot followers.
If you live in some universe where you are afraid people are going to recognize you at the polling place because you are a “twitter celebrity,” first, smash a pie in your face, then, put on a hat.
I have a friend (a white man) who says he doesn’t vote because white men shouldn’t be allowed to vote (to his minor credit, he is voting in this election). I halfway agree with this opinion; white men technically shouldn’t be allowed to do anything but serve women and apologize for the wreck they’ve made of the world. However, a white man’s vote doesn’t have to be for a white man’s interests. And this is why voting matters. You are not voting for yourself. You are voting for other people. If you are voting for yourself you misunderstand the point of voting. Voting is for the collective. And to those who don't want to vote because you think the candidates are horrible: we drink LaCroix not because it's good, but because it's there and someone let it get this far.
Suck it up, cucks. All politicians are bad, and so are you. And you are even worse if you don't vote.
Scroll down for a secret message if you are an undecided voter.