Boy has it been tricky coming back here to write to you this time around. And it continues to feel tricky, even as I begin.
I'm not really sure what I have to say. I'm not really sure what I have to 'teach', if indeed that's what I do here anyway. But I guess I begin by coming back to the truth that things feel tricky. And as I do that, there's another truth too - I acutally have lots of things to say. The question is which of them should I say?
And there it is. The trickiness. The stickiness. The grip. What's 'right' in this situation? What comes next, in this journey that is my life?
I reflected to a coach of mine this morning that I have always been responsible. But that when I look at that responsibility in the cold light of day, what I see is a very heavy weight to be lugged around. I am Lisa the capable, Lisa the responsible. Lisa the good. Lisa the compliant. Lisa who always will bend over backwards to do the thing. It's EXHAUSTING.
Another thing that's become known to me this week (again via work with a mentor) is that I struggle to receive because I believe myself not to be trusted. So I'm responsible, but I'm not to be trusted - there's a contradiction and a half. A complicated non-truth that now it's been seen, also gets to unravel. That, with a bit of work, I get to put down.
All of it through the art of self-awareness of course.
My own coaching container S P A C E began 3 weeks ago today, and seeing the process of self-awareness unfold within the group has been a beautiful thing. We have so many unseen stories at play in our lives, and they're rarely serving our needs. Extracting these, bringing them into the light and beginning to question their validity is pure gold.
This piece about perfection and responsibility (because that's what the responsibility is here - showing up perfectly at all times) is such a story, and an age-old one at that. I'm continually making progress with it but sometimes it catches - which is where I'm at this week.
It occurs to me that there's discernment to be had between the beautiful possibilities of existing in the world as a responsible and caring human, and the constraints tied up in presenting as an entirely 'responsible', 'perfect', 'got it all together' being.
You'd trust the former, right? Maybe not so much the latter.
And here's the thing I have to work through. Sitting back into being the responsible and caring human, without the layer of perfection, and giving myself trust. Trust, permission, and compassion as I continue my practice of showing up in truth.
[I'm listening to music again as I write... What's playing now? This. These synchronicities never fail to make me smile.]
You might remember that in my last mail I talked to you a lot about truth - truth coupled with risk. Well it's become apparent recently that the things I need to do next, the things I must do in order to keep showing up in truth, they carry a not insignificant element of risk.
Risk of being judged, and risk of being rejected.
Risk of being seen, and then quickly found to be lacking.
Risk of being perceived as Lisa the bad, Lisa the greedy.
Risk of hearing that very old chestnut, "who does she think she is?"
Again I find myself smiling. The smile you'd make with a child who's trying it on about a boundary for what feels like the millionth time in a row. A wry smile and raised eyebrow that says, "are we really going to do this dance again?"
And yep, it looks like we are. But with the sight, experience, and necessary tools to work it all through.
So as I close this writing today I choose to place trust in myself. In the caring and responsible human who knows that their next choices are the right choices. And that making those choices is really the only next thing to be done.
Let's move into a couple of shares that I have for you today...
Things to read/watch/listen to...
And then finally allow me to remind you that we have outdoor practice coming up on Sunday, and REST on the calendar a week Friday. Truly, if you find yourself resonating with these letters of mine you will find a home at either.
S P A C E enrolls again in January 2022 and there'll be something else coming sooner that my senses are telling me is called HOME. More on that soon.
Sending all the love,